I may not post every day and what I talk about may be difficult for those close to me to read. A day like today is one of those difficult days. For the last week I spent time with my family. It was good, I was in their home, never alone. I've been back home for a couple of days now and I am literally just coming apart. I am either numb or crying. I want to feel normal. I want to BE normal. I don't want this bipolar thing in charge of my life. I have a doctor appointment coming up and it just seems so far away. Why is it that those that need the help the most have to wait so long to get it?

I want to feel like a normal person feels. For me the things I read about or see on the internet/ news/ tv/ etc are so horrid. I know I can't fix any of these problems and they just hurt me to a point that my whole body is in pain. So.. I cry. I cry a  lot. I sit alone and cry. I know this is not a normal reaction, yet I cannot control how I am reacting. THIS is bipolar.

I  know people mean well, telling me that I need to get out of the house just doesn't help. I do KNOW this too. Most of us with bipolar do. The problem is that we can't just snap out of it. We can't face the world. For me it physically hurts. I begin to have anxiety, I just want to crawl into my hole. The logical part of me knows that I have to get out, exercise if I can. Unfortunately while I am feeling this way the logic side loses out.

I look around and feel nothing, yet am crying because I am tired of feeling the pain in my head. The thoughts that are never ending. My mind is always racing. I can never settle on a single thought. I have full on conversations with myself. I want them to stop. Oh how I wish what it felt like to have an "empty" mind. To have not a single thought swirling around.