The morning I walked into the out patient program I had no idea what to expect. I was still in such a mind fog of exhaustion from what I'd been through the last few days. I was still thinking about my students and how my class was going to be taken care of. I still hadn't figured out that I was somewhere that I needed to be in order to take care of myself. In fact it took me at least 3 weeks to figure that part out. One thing that people who have never had suicidal thoughts or have never been so broken that they turn to suicide is that they think that suicide is selfish, that it is for those who are weak. As someone who has attempted suicide it is about the least selfish thing that we are doing, at least in our minds. For me I felt that if I were gone the lives of my loved ones would be that much better. I felt that I would no longer be a burden to my husband, my parents, and friends. I would no longer be in pain. I would finally be in control of one thing. All of that is untrue. I know logically that I would have caused insurmountable pain for my loved ones. I would have been causing a great big hole in the lives of those that are closest to me.

What does the mind of someone who is in a mental facility look like?  Probably not as different as you might think. Then again, maybe it is. let me tell you what is on the inside of my mind then perhaps you'll understand me and others like me living with depression, bipolar, PTSD, PTSS, ADD, ADHD. I guess I should explain all of the acronyms for anyone who doesn't know what they mean:

1) PTSD = Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
2) PTSS= Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome
3) ADD = Attention Deficit Disorder
4) ADHD = Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder

If you're not familiar with what each of these is then I encourage you to look them up.

I do't tend to think that I look like a "crazy" person. I'm in my 40s, at the time holding a professional job, come from a family who by all means is middle class with no major family issues. I'm married to a wonderful caring and understanding man. I have a dog, friends, play games, love travel (even lived over seas), and love to cook. Just like most people I have hopes and dreams, at least most of the time when I'm not in a depressed state. I take my dog out for walks, cook dinner (most of the time), and go to the movies.

So, what is my problem? Why am I so different? The truth is, I'm not. Ok, so maybe just a little! I have this thing called depression, more accurate bipolar disorder 2. I know, I know, you're thinking "but everyone gets a little depressed from time to time" or "what have you got to be depressed about, you just described a fairly typical life?" Trust me, I've had those thoughts and had people say those very things to me so it isn't anything new.

Depression for me is a place that is hopeless. Imagine a desert at night on a new moon, in other words pitch black nothingness. Combine my depression with ADD. Now I'm in a pitch black desert with 8 million browser tabs stuck switching back and forth in my brain, never stopping to focus on any one single thought or process or image. This happens for me almost 24/7. Add to this feeling the chronic pain that I have in my feet and back, that makes for being extremely exhausting. This has become so tiring in fact that at times I contemplate suicide.

Now, the reaction you might have to this is probably something like a) suicide is a bit extreme; b) that is a cowards way out; c) how can you do that to your (husband/family/friends/etc); or d) there are more options. YES! All of these go through my mind on a regular basis. Isn't that scary? Why haven't I killed myself yet? I've tried. I've tried on more than one occasion. If I haven't succeeded then I must not mean it, right? I'm just doing this for attention then, right? Wrong! I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, so many of us do. There is help for us! If you know someone who has any of these thoughts please listen to them. Please help them or seek help yourself. Please call the National Suicide Prevention helpline Call 1-800-273-8255. You are worth saving!